Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
