If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
