omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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