i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
