I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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