sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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