i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
