I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
