Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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