i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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