I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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