whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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