I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
