i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
