maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
