you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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