If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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