My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
