I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
