Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
