need another drink. this is the easiest way
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
