Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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