I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
