Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
