Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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