it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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