I just threw up on my dentist
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
