guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
