you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
