you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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