Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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