you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
