The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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