I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Houston, we have a squirter
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
