I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
