I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
