Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Vodka?
Forever.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
