I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
