You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Found the puke drawer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
