A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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