I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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