dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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