it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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