I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
