I am in a vortex of obligation.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
