when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
