She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
