saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
