Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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