Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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