The maid of honor just puked.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If I die, sorry about rent.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
