My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
